Breaking News/Archive/012007
New Hospital to Help Heroes! Opens! In Texas! SAN ANTONIO, TEXAS, January 29, 2007-- God Bless America! In these times of war and likely terrorist attacks, America needs to proclaim their shared love and patriotism for Our Troops. And today, The Center for the Intrepid, the newest symbol of that love, etc. is having a GRAND OPENING!!! in America's favorite state, Texas! A spokesman for the White House read a prepared statement: "When America Haters say 'The Greatest President Ever doesn't care about the troops' he can show them this wonderful, privately-run, brand new, $50 million dollar state-of-the-art, rehabilitation facility, in Texas!" Attending the ceremony were all the regular Texas luminaries including The Greatest President Ever's mother, who gave the crowd a delightful look into here beautiful, beautiful mind: When asked to respond, John Kerry blathered on about how the troops shouldn't be in Iraq for the benefit of Halliburton and other Patriotic Corporations and how, after the troops are injured, they will be sent not to the tax-payer-funded, government regulated, military-run Walter Reed Hospital, which was selected to be closed by the 109th Congress just as plans for building the private The Center for the Intrepid began, but instead they will be sent to a privately-run hospital (The Center for the Intrepid), which will more than likely be run as efficiently as every other Private Corporation, such as how efficiently Halliburton provided safe water for the troops stationed in Iraq and doesn't anyone else think it's weird that Texas is getting all these government contracts, like the Katrina Oral Histories Project, or all those space-related research/National Security/communications projects or the Trans-Texas Highway. And on and on and on... Luckily, Wikiality.com began the interview last week and what normally would have been a 10-minute phone interview turned into a 4-day homo-revival necessitating the scheduling of several reporters to cover John Kerry spewing about his liberal claptrap. This reporter is just glad it's over and we can get on with spending money on Our Troops ### Colbert Wins Wager on Spirit-Generals Game (NOTE: Apparently Canadians believe patriotism is the same thing as satire. Also note that the 'reporter' of this story claims Stephen asked fans to throw the annual reports onto the ice, something he specifically said they should 'not' do.) Canadian Press 1/26/2007 11:41:44 PM SAGINAW, Mich. (CP) - Late-night TV funnyman Stephen Colbert had the last laugh Friday night. The host of the satirical news program The Colbert Report, has thrown his support behind the OHL's Saginaw Spirit in recent months after learning the Michigan team had named its mascot Steagle Colbeagle the Eagle, as a tribute to him. On Friday night, the Spirit earned a 5-4 win over the Oshawa Generals, a team that Colbert had trashed recently. Some fans in the sold-out crowd of 5,527 held signs referring to Colbert with one saying Spirit will win, Colbert will win. See the full story here. The Saginaw Spirit Demolish The Oshawa bin Laden Generals Saginaw, Michigan, January 26, 2007-- In yet another demonstration of The Power of Stephen Colbert, the team that named their mascot after him defeated their archrivals, the Canadian terrorists, Oshawa Generals by a resounding winning score. The Generals were deflated after the Spirit scored their first score at 10 seconds in and every fan threw copies of General Motor's dismal annual stockholders report onto the ice. By the beginning of the 4th inning, the "Generals" used the copies to wipe the tears from their eyes. At the close of the game, Steagle Colbeagle the Eagle had to be restrained from soaring over the "Generals" bench and annointing them with Freedom Sauce. ### Chris Funk's Guitar For Sale on eBay The BC Rich Warlock that Chris Funk used in the Countdown to Guitarmageddon to foolishly challenge Stephen Colbert in a Shred-Off is now for sale on eBay. We all know the solo was less than scorching, and that he was blown away by Stephen Colbert's (as Peter Frampton) amazing fretwork, but the guitar is signed by Our Glorious Stephen and other less important numinaries, and the proceeds go towards a good cause. Papa Bear Comes to The Colbert Report! COLBERT HEADQUARTERS January 9, 2007-- On January 18, Papa Bear O'Reilly and Our Glorious Stephen will appear on each others' shows http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap/20070109/ap_en_tv/tv_o_reilly_vs_colbert This is seriously the BEST NEWS EVER! ### Japanese Ship Tries to Block US Submarine From Surfacing ABOARD THE USS NEWPORT NEWS, AMERICA'S EASTERN OCEAN, January 9, 2007-- In a repeat of 6 years ago, another Japanese "merchant" vessel tried to prevent yet another United States Naval Submarine from surfacing by sailing directly above it. Six years ago, nine high school students died, when the Ehime Maru sailed above the USS Greeneville in some new-age version of their kamikaze Pearl Harbor killer ancestors. And now they did it again. The Japanese boat, the Ching Chong, went out of its way to prevent another nucular-powered United States Naval submarine (the USS Newport News) from surfacing in the same way one's cat prevents one from waking up in the morning by laying on top and doing that weird thing with their paws. No one was injured, but the rickety little boat suffered some damage, although, how could anyone tell since it was already so dinged-up to begin with. "These people should not be behind the wheel of any kind of watercraft," declared the unnamed Oil Executive who was temporarily piloting the submarine, "my kid can can sail better than that." And he's right, according to just-released documents, Wikiality.com discovered that the Japanese boat was of such poor quality that even a Cuban wouldn't sail it. ### Stephen's Black Friend's Imposter Blathers on Liberal Media Tube! WASHINGTON, POST, AMERICA, January 8, 2007-- Wikiality.com just learned that the man who poses as Stephen's Black Friend was given space in a tube of the liberal media! Shamelessly claiming to be "black", Mr. "Carlos" deftly typed words about race and other fictional things. Wikiality.com has just one thing to say to you Mr. "Carlos" (if that's even your real name): don't hate the playa, hate the game!. Word out! ### It's Battle Stations Time, America! AMERICA'S HEARTLAND, AMERICA, January 3, 2007-- With only a few days remaining in the Greatest Era EVER! Americans are being called to arms to protect our way of life! America's very own canary in the coal mine of freedom, Hal Turner (possible relation to Turner from "The Turner Diaries", has announced this warning from his bunker on the frontlines on the War on America: :"...the country is in mortal danger..." Clearly, Hal is warning all Americans about the threat of illegal aliens and other assorted America Haters described by Mr. Turner as, "...tens of thousands who didn't give a s--- about our other laws as they murdered, raped, robbed, dealt illegal drugs..." But they are also flaunting their "Constitutional protections" from due process to illegal searches and seizures as many of them have learned only one phrase in American: "... I will not be arrested because I have thus far committed no crime..." Hal called out the aliens, with his own homage to The Greatest President Ever's "Bring 'em on!", "...the entire world will find out if you're real or just a bigmouth coward...", thus showing his balls and patriotism. Come on Americans! We must support Hal Turner, brave American! ###